The Ballad of David William M***s

It must be sad to be the dourest of dour Scotsman, David M***s. A man once regarded as a serious contender to the throne for solid, creditable work, took the throne and promptly became a figure of ridicule only matched by his flagship signing; anthropomorphic, violent mop, Marouane Fellaini.

He became Football’s Gordon Brown. Skewered by circumstances out of his control – a tired, ageing, inadequate squad and boardroom ineptitude – as well as being too hopeless to take on a job so vast in the first place. M***s was unduly booted out after less than a year in the job in total ignominy after failing to measure up to his monstrously successful predecessor.

Dear David then headed to the Basque country to escape the mockery, and in fairness to him, to rebuild his career in a challenging environment. That was a failure too, the citizens of San Sebastian could only take so much dull football. Football so dull it could be writ into the next Zack Synder movie.

So it was, David William M***s left Everton and very quickly found his limits: Making struggling clubs safe with perfunctory football. Not that he’s let that keep him down. The poor man has grown to have delusions of grandeur, constantly nagging at his old employers – like a hastily discarded ex-partner – at Old Trafford when given half an opportunity.

In his latest foolhardy rambling, M***s claimed that United had lost their tradition. Sniping at the massive amounts of money spent cack-handedly on players since Sir Alex Ferguson’s departure. In isolation, its not an inaccurate claim. In greater context, its more ludicrous than a racist, crooked billionaire reality TV star becoming leader of the free world.

The first £65 million spent in the post-Ferguson era was spent by the gloomy, ginger clown, on the marvellous Juan Mata and a total buffoon. Then, immediately, without any sense of irony whatsoever, M***s then boldly claimed he tried to buy Gareth Bale, Cesc Fabregas, Toni Kroos, Cristiano Ronaldo, Pele, Billy Meredith’s ghost, The X-Men and celebrated Russian Tsar, Peter the Great.

If this was M***s attempt at pre-match mind games, ahead of his Sunderland team’s Boxing Day clash with Manchester United, then it is very much in the same vein as his short and relatively disastrous Old Trafford stewardship: A parody. Once again, the Scotsman resembled an actor playing the part of a terrible football manager in a piece of satire. Such mind games will only serve to provoke United’s players and manager to teach him a brutal lesson.

I wouldn’t mind questioning Kroos on M***s’ bold claim that he had lured him to Manchester before Real Madrid gazumped him. One would think it Kroos’ reaction would be to laugh and cringe so much that his face would turn into a fist.


It’s a sad thing to be so embittered by an admittedly bad but easily recoverable experience – M***s has done quite well at struggling Sunderland after a tough start and little financial support – that he continues to chide Manchester United for everything, from abandoning “tradition” to concocting the Manhattan Project.

M***s’ idiocy aside, there is still a glimmer of truth to what he said, United have abandoned their traditions, but that offence, or evolution, depending on your view, was committed long before M***s ever arrived. It happened, arguably when the club sold out to the family of parasites known as The Glazers. It could have well happened the moment Peter Kenyon has “Football Club” removed from the badge back in 1998 or when the embodiment of our culture of idiots inheriting unearned wealth, Martin Edwards, attempted to sell the club multiple times.

M***s’ comments also automatically assume that abandoning tradition or “moving on” as intelligent people call it, is a bad thing. Maybe it’s because M***s comes from that hallowed tradition of Proper Football Men. Where British people always got the top jobs because they’re British, people could leave their front doors open and black people got bananas thrown at them.  His sense of tradition dictated that club stalwarts such as Eric Steele, Mike Phelan, Rene Meulensteen no longer had a role to play in his brave new world.  Legends of the game such as Jimmy Lumsden and Chris Woods were chosen instead.

It is one thing for United to have a culture to be adhered to. Promoting young players and playing attractive, passing football should be a must. However, just attempting to keep doing the same thing got United into a mess that Mourinho is attempting to dig them out of. Spending big money on a new spine of the team was a necessity considering what M***s and his equally joyless successor left the club with.  A club of our size should always be in the running for marquee signings when they become available.

I wouldn’t want to be spending Christmas with M***s, as he is consumed by bitterness watching a man across the dugout he, in his own mind, sees as an equal – but definitely isn’t – be given the grace period and respect from players and fans he could never claim. Swanning around with all those sexy signings he could never hope to secure. Damn you Jose with your clever foreign ways!

It’s not us David, its you, you were just never good enough.

More Stories Billy Meredith Cesc Fabregas Cristiano Ronaldo David Moyes Gareth Bale José Mourinho Sunderland Toni Kroos


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