Saturday 22nd February
We won a very tightly contested game today. This was no easy fixture. Before today Crystal Palace had won their last 3 home games so this is a very big result for us in the race to finish in the top half. I just told the boys to try hard and hopefully we would get a wee bit of luck. Wayne had a lovely game and as we were coasting towards the final whistle I closed my eyes and imagined Bainesy dashing down the left and pinging the ball in for Wayne, I very nearly decorated Roundy’s face.
Sunday 23rd February
Spent the day working on tactics for Olynpiakos with Mr. Roundy. The main strategy is to make sure that awful sod Van Persie doesn’t see too much of the ball. He ruins it for wee Wayne all the time, taking the penalties and being so handsome and virtuous. He has not once run down the touchline and hugged me. We decided the main pattern of play would be to hit Wayne and if he was marked to just out the ball out of play.
Monday 24th February
I was a bit worried about the flight to Greece, we’ve not been having much luck this season and the last thing you need when fate is against you is a flight on Aeroflot. Sadly the captain laughed off my idea that Van Persie could sit on the wing, I only suggested that selfish arse because Mata is cup-tied for Europe. I made him sit in the toilet all the way there in the end, that will teach him to take the limelight off wee Wayne by scoring a penalty.
Tuesday 25th February
Despite what I told the press I was quite happy with the result and performance. I told the boys to try their best and that they keep the score down so we could fill
Goodison Old Trafford for the second leg. It was clear that we weren’t going to able to compete with a team that is running away with the Greek super league. Its called the super league for a reason. I did give the boys a scalding at half time though, Wayne calls it my ‘Hand drier’, as my tactics weren’t being adopted so I modified them for the second half. I told the boys if they couldn’t get it to Wayney just to give it to the other team rather than just boot it out or pass to that dirty pig Van Persie. The one time the useless hypochondriac did get it he booted it over when he could have passed it to Wayney.
Wednesday 26th February
I had a big row with Van Persie after training today. I read his comments about “other players being in the areas he wants to play”. I told him straight, he is in the area of the pitch I call ‘Waynes world’ and he is incredibly lucky to be there. He skulked off to the treatment table claiming he had an acute pain in his rectum. No-one likes a clever clogs. As the players wandered off the training pitch I did the ‘chalk test’ with Johnny Mata. He knows the drill, if his boots are not white with touchline chalk he has to run around Carrington six times. He is learning.
Thursday 27th February
With no game at the weekend we decided to have a day off training and do some team building instead. So everyone, apart from Van Persie, went ten pin bowling. I knew it was a mistake straight after I walked over three drains and under a window cleaners ladder on the way there. Fellaini pulled a muscle in his wrist, Jonesy forgot to let go of the ball and slid straight into the pins, Giggsy lost his rag after being charged full price and Wayney was absolutely wankered and pissing into the pockets of the pool table. Still, we will keep trying to get it right.
Friday 28th February
I missed the banter of the press conference today. I love the way the press boys try to tease me, last week one of them asked if the reason we kept losing was because of my archaic tactics. I laughed and asked him who held the record for most crosses in a game. That wiped the smile off his face. Poor Johnny Mata failed the ‘chalk test’ in training today so rather than doing his usual run I made him whip in 250 crosses for Wayney. Van Persie was loitering around looking jealous so I made him and Kagawa practise throw-ins. I will break him.