Saturday 8th Feb
After the game I try to explain to the players that Chelsea were not actually little horses but it was too difficult. They spent the journey back to Manchester giving them all horse based nicknames.
Hay-sar Azpuilacueta I understand but tell me, what is funny about John “the races” Terry?
Sunday 9th
I enjoy a day off so much, whenever I can, I take Samir to the cinema and watch a polish feminist film. This day we saw a film about a whore from Poznan who gets very ill and loses both legs to leprosy. Samir is so sad he donated £2 to the RNLI. Sensitive boy.
Monday 10th
The day starts the same as every Monday since I arrived here in Manchester; 9:01 – Milner walks into my office with bottle of Pellegrino water and asks if it is mine. 10:01 – he leaves, eyes glazed like an iced bun.
As is normal Yaya comes to see me after training to tell me Kolo is at home with an illness. He still hasn’t realised his brother left the club even though we’ve already played against him.
Tuesday 11th
Milner comes to training wearing the clothes of a jockey. Kolo actually arrives at training and when he thinks I no hear him he thanks Yaya for covering. He is asked to leave and vows to help us win the league.
Wednesday 12th
After no goals in two games I pick a very attacking team for Sunderland but the game is postponed. Until midnight I am still trying to stop Joe Hart crying. He finally stops when I promise him a McFlurry the next day. What is McFlurry I wonder? Maybe a cure for flaky scalps…
Thursday 12th
Mourinho now says Liverpool will win the league. If Chelsea are little horses then Liverpool are seahorses. Milner arrives on a pony for training. Pony disappears shortly after. Yaya has to change his training kit.
Friday 13th
Mourinho says Sunderland are favourites for the league. We spend all morning looking for Milner’s pony but he is nowhere to be seen. Navas calls in sick so Yaya offers him a tapas meal, apparently he has some fantastic marinaded meat all ready for the cooking.
Follow John Young on Twitter: @WorringMySheep
