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Football related comedy. Often poking fun at Manchester United's rivals.
Dangermen: 24 hours with Daniel Levy

Last weeks column was roundly critisced by Liverpool fans who mistakenly wondered onto Stretty News. They must have been confused by the name of the blog. So in an effort to reclaim some credability I have taken a different path for Dangermen this week.

Spurs always produce a tricky fixture. The club has become a top four contender on recent seasons and a man who should take some credit for that it is Daniel Levy. A man who operates solely with the cockerel in mind. His unwavering stance on many issues has helped Spurs get so close to the apex of the Premier league. We have been very fortunate to get an insight into a day in the life of Levy and what we have seen has shaken us to our very core. I asked Daniel to record a typical 24 hours at the helm of his club and this is what he sent us:

7am – Wake up. Push Mrs Levy out of bed, we arent a charity, that woman needs to earn her place in the Levy household.

7:30 – Breakfast. Mrs Levy says she wants me to pass the Weetabix. I am not prepared to part with the Weetabix. I have been very clear all through the course of the week that the Weetabix is staying on my side of the table. It will take a sizeable offer for me to relinquish it. Mrs Levy has a packet of cheese and onion Hula Hoops instead and states her unwillingness to partake in future breakfast occasions.

8am – Drive to the ground. Sam the doorman wants to talk about his future. He is nearing retirement age but wants to stay on for another year. Sam foolishly refuses my offer of a 6 month contract. A quick phone call later (over Skype to avoid astronomical mobile charges) he is sat in police custody.

9am – AVB comes to the office to brief me on the teams training perfomance during the week. I remind him that he is lucky to have a job after his Chelsea fiasco and he begins to cry. I show my sensitive side for a change and persuade him to take a 50% wage reduction. He tries to kiss me on the lips, we wrestle and Brad Freidel saves him from a real beating.

11am – Receieve a call from Barcelona asking about Bale’s availability. I tell them every player has a price. They offer £30m. I lose it and threaten to give Bale, Dempsey and Defoe to Madrid for free out of spite.

12:30 – Lunch. AVB brings in some sushi from boots. Flash twat. I have spent the last 20 minutes forraging from bins around the office and have a magnificent spread.

2pm – AVB brings me a list of potential transfer targets. I rip it in half and slap him round the face. He cries. I tell him he has to sell before he can buy. He rings Blackburn Rovers and offers them Ledley King. I slap him again.

3pm – David Gill rings and asks if we have any sponsors he can rinse, so I tell him to fuck off. At 3:15 he rings back and asks if we have any sponsors he can rinse. I tell him to ring back just before he leaves for the day, right at the very last minute and then I will offer him Aurasma’s phone number for £22m.

4pm – Agent hour. Every wednesday at 4pm all the first team players agents assemble in the board room and I point and laugh at them for 15 minutes. Once I have finished laughing I reduce all the players wages by 17% and place them all on the transfer list for £45m.

5pm – Home time. I always call in at Wendy’s whorehouse on the way home where I receive a topless hand shandy and a rectal massage because they pay me. Depending on my mood I can take between £100-£500 off those drug addled hookers who always rebook the following weeks session as I empty my sacks onto AVB’s stubble.

7pm – Bed. What’s the point in staying up, electricity costs an arm and a leg these days.

To summarise, the Dangerman this weekend is Kyle Walker.

Follow John and his humorous ways on Twitter – @its_just_young

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