Part three of John’s very own season review couldn’t come quick enough. If you missed out on part one, and part two, follow the links. Anyway, lets get to what’s important… What can be said about the season West Brom, Fulham, Liverpool, Everton and Chelsea had.
10) West Brom
The Hawthorns is the highest ground in the English football league. That is it. The rest is boring. Roy Hodgson. Ben Foster. Mediocrity. That said, this was their highest ever finish in English league football and their bumming of Wolves did result in Mick McNosey getting the sack, so it wasnt all bad. I used to work in West Brom, therefore, I take my hat off to Peter Odemwingie for being able to understand them. A man of Nigeria, he has also played in Russia (or satellite former subsidiary of) and is now expected to communciate with folk that can just about muster “Dey it, ar it and ay it” as their mother tongue.
9) Fulham
If I am honest I cant even remember who the Fulham manager is? They used to be a real pain in the vagina until Roy took over and then due to his contractual obligation to make life easier for Sir Alex Ferguson he taught them to roll over and have their collective tummies tickled. I think they may have signed a Dolph Lundgren like striker in January and I am sure that Clint Dempsey scored about 78 goals from midfield, thus provoking all the ‘Top Reds’ to call for United to sign him. Apart from that I am not sure, so this is why I thought I might make some stuff up. Accroding to documents “sourced” from the FA Fulham had signed a player from Jupiter in January. Klenkt Spreugt, a holding midfielder was undergoing his medical when FA officials realised he had 1 leg and a set of 15 tentacles, which after thorough investigation did not contravene any of their guidelines. Despite Bert Millichip’s (is he still at the FA) protestations he was given the number 77 shirt and signed on a 15 ferret a-week contract. He was actually on the bench 4 times duirng January but due to the now commonplace communal blanket no-one saw his set of tentacles. Had he not been savaged by Craig bellamy one night in the Ashbourne Parade depot of American Golf while out shopping with John Arne Riise, we may have seen the second extra terrestrial player gracing the Premier league since its inception in 1992.
8) Liverpool
Restraint, common courtesy and realism. These were the three words that I whispered to myself as I started thinking about their season. Firstly they had Kenny at the helm. A man who had been out of football for a number of years and had only really achieved anything when taking over an all conquering side in the late 80’s. I have confidence that my edlerly Nan could have won the double with that team. She was actually asked to manage the side, but was busy inventing tracing paper and her commercial commitments to that venture deemed it impossible to be manager of the Merseyside scamps. Then they had a huge investment on a lad from Geordie Shore and a modern day Liam Miller-a-like in Jordan Henderson. To be fair, once Kenny had pressed the self destuct button in the wake of “teethgate” Liverpools season was done. The media glare on the old fool was unwavering, anyone who sends his team out waering hastily printed t-shirts declaring the innocence of a racist abuser is going to struggle. It later transpired that Kenny’s standard lamp had given him the instruction and even though he disagreed in principle he was railroaded by a foot stool and the bottom draw of his filing cabinet.
7) Everton
Singlehandedly ruined our season. When 4-2 down at Old trafford it is considered courteous and polite to concede with dignity and Ferguson will instruct his charges to be gentle and let the game pass by without incident. They finished above the dirty half of Merseyside so they should be pleads about that. And Fellaini has weird hair.
6) Chelsea
Had they not been very fortuitous and stolen the European Cup this summer would have been very different for Chelsea. It gave them more of a chance to attract some of Europes best and most coveted young attacking talent. Had they finsihed 6th and won nothing maybe Remedial Abramovich may have finally fallen out of love with the Chelsea boys and fled the club, hand in hand with the love of his life. Leaving Chelsea ownerless and captainless for the upcoming seasaon. They would have been ruined financially and when they had sold Torres to Leicester, Ramires to MK Dons and Mata to Anzi Makachakalakalaklaklaklakl they would have been forced to give the youngsters a chance. Or perhaps sign Tal Ben Haim to guide them through to the lower leagues. But alas they won the cup and now Roman Lobotomy has regained his love for the club. They now have an embarrassment of riches at the club, when but for a cunty penalty by Schweinstieger they would have had Heskey and Rodallega up front. Cruel irony is a wicked mistress.
