This season we started a new feature called Furious Football Fury. A piece written by Furious John, who has an incredible imagination when it comes to football and humor. Therefore before we start looking forward to the upcoming season, we have him back writing a season review of 2011/12. The first 5 clubs, from 20 to 16 are explored here;
20) Wolverhampton Warriors
As the relegation battle began to consume Wolves, they decided to get rid of their manager. I wouldn’t have done that. I would have started to introduce ketamine to the half time entertainment so that those fans that came to watch were battered like a road shy shire horse, that way they would have been excused the horrendous tripe served up on the pitch. At the last home game of the season I would have switched the ketamine for some good quality acid and persuaded Kevin Doyle to sing “Maggie May” thus ensuring that the 15,000 faithful went home thinking they had been to a Rod Stewart gig.
Aside from the fact that they were in relegation sacking McCarthy and giving the job to his number two seems ridiculous. Imagine if Ferguson was removed from his job and Phelan was promptly installed in the hot seat, 680 million fans worldwide would smash their Hublot watches, burn their DHL training kit and smash the windows in on their brand new Chevrolets. Luckily it backfired on their scouse owner and he will now be enjoying away days at Vicarage Road and the New Den. That will fucking teach him.
19) Blackburn Rovers
Blackburn are a throw back to the days when a family fortune of £100 million was enough to build a stadium, a team and win the league. Since 1995 they have done nothing for the Premier league and once the club had been sold to the “Venky Boys” this seemed unlikely to change even though they promised Ronaldinho and Raul and delivered Goodwillie, not in a Ron Jeremy way either.
Blackburn fans spent all season berating Steve Kean when their energies might have been better channeled selling their season tickets to a waste paper recycling company and buying some homing pigeons with the money. At times they won games that seemed impossible, even beating United at Old Trafford but they couldn’t sustain it against the smaller teams, losing 3-2 at home to Liverpool. Crap club, shit shirts, awful owners and a stadium that Bedlington Terriers would be ashamed of. Bye bye, Blackburn.
18) Bolton Wanderers
Owen Coyle abandonded Burnley (who were relegated) and was apparently being chased by clubs such as Celtic (for those of you that don’t know, they play in the Scottish league which is a less sunny La Liga, previosuly dominated by two Glasgow clubs although that will change as Rangers have been spending all the money they didnt have on cocaine and Remy Martin Louis XVII and are now skint.).
Coyle came into Bolton with the brief of shedding their reputation as a long ball team. He started off by encouraging his team to channel everything through Kevin Davies. Great start. This season they started apallingly losing 6 of their first 7 games and they never really recovered. After Fabrice Muamba collapsed on the pitch at Tottenham it was always going to be difficult to get away from the drop zone, expecially after Martinez performed his annual Houdini act ultimately derailing United in the process.
Nobody will miss Kevin Davies due to the fact that he is a massive bastard but some low end sports brands might be sniffing round the naming rights to the Reebok because I can certainly see Bolton tackling the Championship playing their home games at the Warrior Sports Arena.
17) Queens Park Rangers
I never liked Queens Park Rangers, dating back to that performance on 1st January 1992 when they turned up at Old Trafford and won 4-1. The destroyer that day was a certain Dennis Bailey, who scored a hat trick, tore our defence to pieces with pace and power. As Ferguson often implies teams and players seem to raise their game immeasurably against United and that was the case with Bailey on that day. He proved this by going on to represent footballing gargantuans Forest Green, Stratrford Town and Aberystwyth Town.
I was interested to discover recently that QPR is an acronym for “Quiz, Pint, Ruby” and that founder members of the club were also the creators of the innovative pub night deal. Quite often a quiz with a drink and a curry for a pre-agreed price which is sometimes £5. That aside they probably should have been relegated and only the fact that Bolton started so badly and found a fixture backlog at the end of the season saved them. They were bad enough under Neil Warlock Warnock but perhaps worse under Mark Hughes, who is still trading on the relative success he achieved as manager of Wales.
QPR did provide me with one of my highlights of the season via the medium of Samba Diakite, the Mali midfielder sent off 34 minutes into his debut after his 8th foul. To be fair if you are going to get sent off that’s a reasonable way to do it and if his timing had been a bit better he would have gone much earlier, he missed quite a few attempted fouls by being too slow.
The focal point of “Quiz Pint Ruby” this season has of course been Joey Barton, if he wasnt making himself look like a vagina on Twitter he was being an antagonising arseblanket on the pitch, even feigning injury after Gervinho had slapped him in the face. I would have liked to have seen Gervinho headbut him, imagine the force and accuracy that cranial superpower could have imparted? We may have seen Barton driven into the ground up to his shoulders which could have prompted a whole new passage of play, although I cant imagine Yossi Benayoun would have looked that gift horse in the mouth. A Premier League debut for teabagging may well have ensued. I do think Barton has been villifed after his last day car-crash against City though, if he had suceeded in his team mates plan of “taking one of them with him” we might well have seen United crowned champions. Damn that Kunt Aguero and his even temper, why couldn’t he have responded to Bartons provocation by elbowing him in the throat, earning hismelf a red card (thus preventing that heart breaking last minute winner) and perhaps rupturing Bartons vocal chords – the proverbial two birds with one stone.
In summary they were crap and I quite look forward to seeing them relegated next season, hopefully right down to the Worcester sunday league divison 5, just for devilment.
16) Aston Villa
Luckily for Randy Lerner he had a small amount of supporter equity in the bank prior to the appointment of Alex McLeish or things could have gotten really nasty. I cannot imagine the chain of events that led to their local rivals manager (who had relegated their local rivals) being appointed as Villa manager. Maybe Lerner was out for a drink around Birmingham and perhaps he bumped into the old blues cheif Karen Brady. Maybe they had a few absinthes and perhaps spirits were running high, maybe Lerner might have aimed a sly grope at Karen’s mangina only for her to duck under the table and administer some very deep throat. Maybe after Lerner had wiped his tail on a napkin Brady re-appeared, cock in hand and asked Randy to return the favour? Maybe a very dififuclt conversation ensued where, under duress, Brady persuaded Lerner to rid her old club of the weasley McCleish and maybe Lerner took one of the team, for the second time that day. Just maybe.
Anyway, Villa have been so bad that even the diehard Villains found it difficult to watch, and these fans have witnessed football under John Gregory so it must have been brain meltingly bad. They were on a fast decline at the end of the season and I had expeted them to go down, like Randy. They played poor football, with atrocious tactics and nearly got relegated so unsurpisingly McCleish was sacked, I would like to suggest to any fans of Swansea that see Randy lerner wondering round their town asking in bars where he might find Huw Jenkins that they shouldnt attempt to reprimand him themselves, instead ring the Heddlu forthwith.