I have always been of the opinion that football takes with one hand and then gives back with the other and this was borne out in midweek. Clearly as United fans we were all hoping that Chelsea could take some points from their game with City, but as we know that didn’t happen. I felt particularly wounded as I actually encouraged Fernando Torres to score a goal during the game, therefore, I had to rub my United shirt and say 4 Jesper Olsen’s to cleanse myself.
Sadly, Chelsea were without their manager John Terry and in the quiet empty atmosphere at the City of Manchester council stadium. Unfortunately, his shouts of encouragement were drowned out by the noise of tadpoles from a nearby pond. At 0-1 I thought the Russians were going to win but there effort was half arsed and in the end little Sammy Nasri had enough time to count his months wages before slotting the winner past Petr Cheque.
For a few minutes I was despondent, but as I said football usually manages to even things up and as I sat weeping in my photo studio news was filtering through that Liverpool were in the process of throwing away a 2 goal lead at QPR. How ace is that?
Lets just remind ourselves of Liverpool’s situation. After beating United in the FA Cup they went to Wolves and managed a 3-0 victory. At this point the hubcaps were going missing left, right and centre in Merseyside. Kenny was the man to lead them into the promised land and all was good in the land of the moustache. Then, just as they were all saving up for the gold Premier League badges on next season’s shirts things started to go a bit wrong. They drew with Spurs before losing to United, Arsenal and Sunderland in the league. Suddenly the tide was turning, scousers were burning Kelly Dalglish effigies (which is understandable, since he is a twat) on the streets. As the Merseyside derby approached, David Moyes sat in his office above Lidl rubbing the precious ring in advance of the game. Poor old Moyes picked his team while he was high on glue (the Everton board of directors can’t afford decent drugs like cocaine or ecstasy) so he conceded the 3 points to KKK. Another win against Stoke and the moustaches were clambering up ladders stealing church roofs to pay for their league winners piss up. Kenny was the messiah again and all was good.
Fast forward to this week and the scousers were dominating relegation fodder QPR with most of the game gone when suddenly and shockingly they conceded a goal. In a whirlwind of magic and voodoo the game ended up going to the Londoners and once again Kenny was under enormous pressure. During his post game interview Ken showed us all a different side as he really went to town on the dreadful situation his club have been in.
I was lucky enough to get some time with his assistant manager, Leo van desk Lamp, after the game and he translated Kenny’s words from the interview – from Scottish into English via Swedish.
“Yes, we were shit tonight although did you manage to see Steven Gerrard? When I see him I find it difficult to contain my erection. He is so Liverpool he might as well be wearing his job club polo shirt. What he does do, though, is inspire those around him. Have you ever seen Jay Spearing steal from a spar? He is majestic. He usually smashes the CCTV camera with his reflection and then he is in. He normally manages to persuade the cashier to empty the till without saying anything and then he re-invests the money in speed for the lads at the Kop.
“I am really happy with Luis Suarez, when I looked into the market for a striker I decided I wanted a player with a permanent shit eating grin that had the potential to unify the whole stadium. I hadn’t realised at the time he would do this via the medium of racial abuse but lets be honest, it’s only words.
“I was tricked a bit with Carroll to be honest. The medication I take for my rectal sweating sometimes causes memory lapses and when I asked my assistant for a good striker, he told me there was a super number 9 at Newcastle. I thought he was on about Shearer as I had forgotten that he was actually enthralling the nation with his expert punditry on Match of the Day. Imagine my surprise when Carroll turned up at Melwood. I gave the big fella a fiver for a lucky heather and asked him not to put a curse on Anfield.
“Downing was simply a case of mistake identity, I bought the wrong winger. I meant to tell those Americans to get me the one that looked like he had down syndrome (obviously meaning Damien Duff) and they got me Stuart Downing instead. So, in summary this has been a piss poor season but the thing to keep front of mind is that we do have a new kit deal and so far Craig Bellamy hasn’t hit anyone with one of them golf sticks.”