Liverpool Football Club, once a bastion of tradition and respectability. The club that was the dominant force in football when I was still drinking orangeade and collecting Panini stickers. They were an institution of the game, bringing their managers through from the “boot room” and recruiting brilliant young British footballers that were highly skilled at playing the ball back to the goalkeeper and choking the living shit out of any game.
On Tuesday night they played their local rivals Everton in a game that some were seeing as make or break for their ‘manager’ Kanny King Kenny. Kenny was the last manager to come through the ‘boot room’ (actually it might have been Roy Evans, but for the purpose of this article please ignore that possible mistake, thank you) and inherited a team that was hugely successful. He did lead them to the double in his first season but to be fair my neighbours cat UmBongo could probably have done that given the playing staff they had. Dalglish resigned his post in 1991 because the stress was becoming too much for him. It lead him to communictae to furntiure and just two days before he left he had tried to promote a standard lamp to reserve team manager. Sadly for KKK, the lamp was a blue and turned him down flat, even persuading the chest of drawers to mediate the negotiations had no impact.
Fast forward a few years (all of them without a league title) and the magical agent Woy Hodgson has been installed as manager at Klanfield. Woy is widely acknowledged as an excellent coach and I have to admit that I was concerned about his appointment, Liverpool had run United very close in 2009 and he may have added the vital impetus needed to challenge again. As we all know now my fear was without foundation and Woy (under the direction of Sir Alex Ferguson) ensured that Liverpool flirted more with the bottom three than the top four. All the while Kenny was using his ‘legendary past’ to undermine Woy with the clubs owners. Kenneth had a role at the academy which basically involved recruiting orcs and trolls from middle earth and then training them in the ways of the scouser, hoping to making them ‘battle ready’ or classless thugs. Of course Kenny and his right hand filling cabinet eventually saw off Woy and the King returned to his arrid wasteland to try and knock Sir Alex off his perch.
So what has Kenny done since he returned? Well, he has managed to buy wisely for a start… he invested £35million in someone that had scored the majority of his goals in the fizzy pop cup. Andrew Carroll, star of ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ often makes cameo appearances from the bench and I believe for their investment Carroll has agreed not to appear on any other channel than LFCTV. He also spent a combined sum of £40million on Henderson and Downing to whip up a storm on the flanks; for the same amount of money he could have bought 24 Bugatti Veyron sport cars or built a stadium identical to Swansea’s Liberty and filled it with 40 million Tesco scotch eggs. Then the coup de gras, he signed one Luis Suarez from Ajax, a player who has previous for shoulder biting and dirty cheating – not to mention fingering stray cats. Luis was given the number 7 shirt and instantly the poor downtrodden scousers claimed they had finally signed a player like Dalglish himself, and they werent too wide of the mark in some respects.
What Suarez said to Evra was wrong and it deserved to be punished but I think he is more criminally retarded than racist. If the club had pushed him to apologise then the situation would have been resolved a long time ago. The real villain of the piece is Kenny, firstly blaming Evra, then Manchester United, Norris Mcwhirter, Jeff Goldblum and Diet Fanta before he finally pointed the finger at Ikea, swamping his world with flat pack shit. Making the team wear “team Suarez” shirts was his lowest point, especially given he had to “take one for the team” from the incredibly strange owner of scally shirts.
In the last few days it seems that Dalglish may be heading towards a standard lamp sized breakdown again, there was talk of a ‘Kenny out’ campaign at the derby this week which is akin to the idiots trying to oust the snorkmaiden. His crowning glory came this week as he told the media that there are many ways to judge a season because it doesn’t necessarily relate to trophies or points. Good thoughtful musings. So if Liverpool finished the season with 11 points and were relegated to the Isthmian Northern League because they were deemed to be as shit as Leigh RMI but managed to sign a kit deal with Kappa for 145 hub caps and a tone of lead from a church roof, would that be okay in Kens bleary eyes? A long as the players are happy is it okay to be knocked out of the FA Cup by Bedlington Terriers? One can only imagine that Kenny had taken some impromptu advice from his pot plant before facing the journalists, spider plants are known for their “glass half full” approach to life and Dalglish would no doubt have lapped the advice up.
From a United fans point of view, long may KKK reign over Merseyside. They will possibly finish 7th in the Premier League but see the season as a success as they are “heading back where they belong” and their ‘King’ will raid the transfer market with multi-mullion pound bids for the tea lady at Wigan Athletic and Pascal Chimbonda which the tabloid journalists will hail as “visionary” and “classic Kenny”. The question of who will replace Ken when the recycling men finally come calling was also answered this week. Jamie Carragher.
James told the press this week that Steven Gerrard was the country’s second greatest ever midfielder; this despite the DJ beater never having lifted a League title. Scholes anyone? David Beckham? Carlton Palmer? Geoff Thomas?
Looking for tomfoolery similar to this on a daily basis? Follow John on Twitter.